The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
mentally somewhere in italy
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.