Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I falcon love using swear birds
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
two people or more is called a problem
ouch
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
#math
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work