I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.