thinking about a very short hotdog
You Might Also Like
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”