After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.