Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*