When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
based al yankovic
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.