My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The options really are this bad
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost