dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices