Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I can also cook 😂
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.