The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
You Might Also Like
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.