me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You Might Also Like
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
A ghost story
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.