That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
You Might Also Like
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby