The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit