An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
new career option?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.