One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all