As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice