Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
had to share :’)
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
So many pants.
So little yoga.