Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Real House Wines.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.