The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I can’t stop watching this.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’ve had worse
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.