Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?