[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
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Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Worth the read.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’m tired tomorrow.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”