“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
You Might Also Like
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Big Sex has us all fooled
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Woke up against my better judgment again
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.