CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.