Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Hamburger Hinderer.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.