Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.