(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Straight people are cancelled
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
oh my god
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride