ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?