Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris