X-tra spooky blend
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China