My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle