They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
You Might Also Like
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My god she’s good.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO