[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*updates tinder bio*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle