“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
🤣🤣🤣
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week