I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
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“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.