Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
You Might Also Like
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough