Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.