*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
The devil.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly