If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Pikachu found the lost joint
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.