My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine