Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids