Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo