Perfect.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.