The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Body by cheese-puffs.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.