*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
You Might Also Like
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
calling in to work dehydrated
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.