What the hell happened here.
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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Swedish for common sense.
These 3D printers are insane!
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one