Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses