I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party