For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.