I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Has science gone too far?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school